Abusing the News Disclaimer: Any items appearing in this section are meant to skewer the news reporting itself and not the events depicted.  There is no intent to make light of or to lessen the gravity of anything being reported.

 

Now on to the News:

 

Shiites stomp on Drawings of American Flags

U.S. Flag Manufacturers Unable to Keep Up With Demand

 

NAJAF, Iraq ---Thousands of Shiites stomped on drawings of American flags painted on roads outside mosques in a show of anger over the U.S. presence in Iraq.

 

Using crude stencils and sidewalk chalk from local "Terrorists R Us" outlets, frustrated Iraqi protestors struggled to finish the street art before mosques let out.

 

"We can't get anymore," said a Shiite leader.  "The entire country is sold out.  They've all been burned, torn apart, or stomped."

 

The Flag Manufacturers Association of America refused comment, but a spokesperson for the American Federation of Flagmakers said that workers were under pressure to work extra shifts in an effort to meet demand.

 

The Shiite leader said shopkeepers in Baghdad claimed American Flags were on order and a shipment was expected next week Tuesday.  "That was three weeks ago!" the Shiite complained.  "We even searched the web, but they wouldn't take my Iraqi Express Card."

 

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Under Pressure, Uzbek President Raises Death Toll From Clashes

A Jealous President Bush Responds by Raising the Death Toll of Newsweek Reporters Isikoff and Barry

SPIN WARS Expected to Kill Thousands Around the World

 

Medicare Boss Used Threats to Keep Information From Congress

By Labby Bravo

Washington, D.C.---A report, by Dara Corrigan, acting principal deputy inspector general, revealed former administrator of Medicare, Thomas A. Scully issued a threat to a subordinate, Richard S. Foster prohibiting him from sharing a cost estimate with lawmakers considering huge changes in the program last year.

"Our investigation revealed that the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services did not provide information requested by Congressional members and staff, and that Scully threatened to sanction Foster if he disclosed unauthorized information,” Corrigan reported.

Neither the threat nor the withholding of information violated any criminal law, the report said. It accepted the Justice Department's view that Mr. Scully had "the final authority to determine the flow of information to Congress.'' Moreover, it said, the actuary "had no authority to disclose information independently to Congress.''

William A. Pierce, a spokesman for the department, said the threat was not illegal because the actuary was supposed to report to the head of the Medicare program, who, Mr. Pierce said, had a right to dismiss him in case of insubordination. "No laws were broken,'' Mr. Pierce said.

Laws of Common Decency, any number of moral and ethical codes, simple rules of honesty and fair play, and even the lowest standards of professionalism and sound fiscal policy were literally shattered, but Pierce reiterated, “No laws were broken!”

In fact, if you are a Republican, laws can be broken as long as you don’t get caught or as long as no one can stop you.  If you do get caught merely say, “I don’t remember” and go to work for the companies you were protecting while in government service.

Ms. Corrigan said she uncovered numerous requests from Congress for data and cost estimates prepared by the Bush administration. In many cases, she said, Mr. Scully did not recall the requests.

Mr. Scully, who resigned in December, to become a lobbyist for drug and health care companies, had denied threatening Mr. Foster but acknowledged telling him to withhold the information from Congress.

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Bush Insists al-Qaida-Saddam Ties Existed

 

By Rise N. Shine

Washington,D.C.---Disputing the findings of the commission investigating 9/11, President Bush continued to insist there was a link between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaida

Bush also insisted Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, which have not been found.

"The reason I keep insisting that there was a relationship between Iraq and Saddam and al-Qaida is because there was a relationship between Iraq and al-Qaida," Bush said.

Even those on the commission who acknowledged a relationship between Saddam and al Qaida suggested it was a relationship in the same sense that the U.S. has a relationship with Castro in Cuba.  Experts in the Middle East have claimed since the war began that Saddam Hussein asked Bin Laden to leave the country  nearly five years and to stop recruiting Iraqis for his Al Qaida forces. 

In conclusion, Bush also continued to insist AIDS was God’s way of punishing homosexuals, Dick Cheney is not a robot, and there are no mummified alien remains in Area 51.  He also said he had nothing against American Catholics as long as they continued to work toward becoming evangelical Baptists.

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UN Envoy calls Bremer “Dictator of Iraq”

By Rise N. Shine

BAGHDAD, Iraq---Looking a tired and disheartened, Lakhdar Brahimi wrapped up his U.N. mission to bring an interim government to Iraq by saying the compromise he negotiated was the best possible under American control.

Asked how big a role the American administration had in forming the government and selecting the prime minister and president, Brahimi reminded reporters that American Ambassador L. Paul Bremer runs things in Iraq.

"Bremer is the dictator of Iraq," he said. "He has the money. He has the signature."

This comes on the heels of a Bush Administration strategist using Hitler’s attack on Poland as an example of successful pre-emptive defensive strike as justification for the United States’ unprovoked attack on Iraq.  As neither Poland nor Iraq posed any threat to their attackers, the analogy holds up and is therefore even more damning.

 

Meanwhile, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice was insisting history would see Bush ranked alongside such statesmen as Franklin D. Roosevelt, Harry S, Truman and British Prime Minister Winston Churchill.  The parallels Rice used, the invasion of Afghanistan and the unpopular war in Iraq, the depressed economy, and the split country reminded many scholars more of Zachary Taylor, Lyndon Johnson and William McKinley.

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For a Shot at Real Journalism, Try one of these:

Los Angeles Times

Washington Post

 CNN

CBS

Salon

Slate
Reuters Google News The Age
  Common Dreams News Center  

 

Chalabi Reportedly Told Iran That U.S. Had Code

By Rise N. Shine

WWASHINGTON, June 1 — United States intelligence officials have gathered information suggesting new Iraqi leader and former Bush ally, Ahmad Chalabi disclosed to an Iranian official that the United States had broken the secret communications code of Iran's intelligence service.

 

After cracking the code, intelligence officials said they obtained the incriminating information while eavesdropping on secret Iranian communications.

 

Iranian Intelligence Service Agent #1:

Chalabi says the Americans have broken our secret code.

 

Iranian Intelligence Service Agent #2:

Why are we still using it?

 

Iranian Intelligence Service Agent #1:

Oh, that Chalabi.  Remember, he is an Iraqi.  You can’t believe a word he says.

When asked if they would continue to use the secret code, an Iranian official replied, “Support group hot water heater toaster armadillo take public transportation tape recorder bald.”

There were no further questions.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY -

"I stand by my inquiry's finding that military police officers should not have been involved in conditioning Iraqi detainees for interrogation."

    -- Maj. Gen. Antonio M. Taguba, the Army general who first investigated abuses at Abu Ghraib prison

 

("Conditioning for interrogation?  What kind of condition do you have to be in if you’re going to be stripped naked, degraded, and made to pose in homosexual positions?")

        -- Lenny "the Schneid" Woodson, webmaster and inveterate critic.

 

"This is how it is, see.  We find if we pile them naked upon one another, and then carefully pose some others naked behind them for our amusement, that we get a lot of secrets out of them,” explained an American interrogation expert.  “Not terrorism secrets necessarily, but a lot of secret stuff.  Terrorizes the hell out of me, I’ll tell that.”

President Chastises Rumsfeld for Mishandling  Iraq Scandal

By Labby Bravo

WASHINGTON, May 5 — President Bush on Wednesday chastised his defense secretary, Donald H. Rumsfeld, for mishandling a scandal over American abuse of Iraqis held at a notorious prison in Baghdad. There was no word on the exact punishment Rumsfeld received, but it was widely reported that he was sent to bed without his supper.  There were conflicting accounts of whether Bush delivered a spanking to the Secretary of Defense or whether Rumsfeld was made to strip naked and submit to a simulated paddling.

“He’s a 72 year-old man,” the President was heard to say.  “He ought to know better.”

 

The disclosure of the dressing-down of the combative Mr. Rumsfeld was the first time that Mr. Bush has allowed his displeasure with a senior member of his administration to be made public.   It also exposed the fault lines in Mr. Bush's inner circle that have deepened with the violence and political chaos in American-occupied Iraq.

 

Secretary of State Colin L. Powell, who has clashed with Rumsfeld in the past, was heard to say, "na, na, nuh na na.”

 

The announcement came the day after Bush visited Rumsfeld at his home.  The conclusion that Rumsfeld had offered to accept the blame for the President appeared more than plausible.  Even Republicans noted a strong public relations aspect to the disclosures about the Oval Office scolding making Rumsfeld an obvious scapegoat for the scandal.

 

“Hey, you all know the buck doesn’t stop anywhere near close to here.  I dumped O’Neill over that economy thing.  That Whitman woman stonewalled the environmentalists, and Condy took the heat for me on that pre-“9-11” stuff," Bush explained to aids who asked to remain nameless as they couldn't swear they were still awake when he said what they thought they heard him say.  "Rummy is just taking his turn, falling on his sword for the old commander in chief, that's all."

 

Despite the behind-the-scenes criticism, Mr. Bush insisted that the defense secretary still had his full support. "Of course I've got confidence in the secretary of defense," Mr. Bush said.   “He just better not screw up again or he’ll be grounded for the rest of my term.”

 

In other possibly related news, just hours after Shiite politicians and religious leaders met in Baghdad with rebellious young cleric, Moktada al-Sadr, to persuade him to withdraw his militia, the American military did everything it could to undermine those moderate efforts by launching its first major assault against Shiite insurgents, striking at their enclaves here and in Diwaniya.

 

 At one point, an Iraqi man crawled from a bunker waving a white flag, followed by several others.  An Apache helicopter then launched 30-millimeter rounds at the bunker, and an Abrams tank incinerated it with a shot from its main cannon.

 

"Hopefully we can put enough pressure on them to break their will," said Brig. Gen. Mark P. Hertling, who flew down from Baghdad to observe the battle.  He didn’t mention if he loved the smell of napalm in the morning or the smell of burning white surrender flags.

 

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Trump-like American Leader Fires Iraqi Security General

By Labby Bravo

BAGHDAD, Iraq, May 3 — In a move not unlike a recent reality TV program, a powerful American announced the selection of a new commander for the Iraqi security force in Falluja.  No explanation was provided for why any Iraqis were not involved in the decision.

"You're fired," an American told Iraqi General Jasim Muhammad Saleh.

A high-ranking American said they had chosen Muhammad Latif, a former intelligence officer, to lead the Iraqi security force. 

"They have done initial vetting of Latif, and he has passed the vetting," a senior American officer said.  "It's not a game," he declared. "It's a vetting.  This guy clearly outvetted the other guy."

"You're outsourced," the powerful Trump-like American told General Saleh, explaining the former commander would most likely be given other menial responsibilities in the security force.  "Of course, his health benefits will have to be cut somewhat," the American leader added.

Unlike the man he is replacing, Latif appears to have been an opponent of Hussein.  The Trump-like officer conceded the new appointment would all but guarantee continued and possibly increased unrest in the area.  The Americans had hoped the Falluja security force would be able to secure control over the city without an assault by the Marines.

"It's not good for the President to have more dead American soldiers," the high-ranking American said.  "The President doesn't feel the Iraqis are doing their part, not enough of them are giving their lives for their own freedom."

Fighting over the past month, set off by the killing and mutilation of four American contractors, has left hundreds of Iraqis and dozens of American soldiers dead.  Battles continued in many parts of Iraq on Monday. South of Baghdad, an American soldier was killed and two others wounded while guarding a weapons cache discovered the night before.

"These are small pockets of resistance," the senior officer reiterated.

Another American marine was killed in Al Anbar Province west of Baghdad.

"These are isolated incidents confined to the area around Falluja," the American officer insisted.

There were also reports of gun battles in the holy Shiite city of Najaf between American soldiers and Moktada al-Sadr's Mahdi Army.

"Everything is going smoothly for the June 30th transfer of power to the Iraqis," the high-ranking American reassured those at the briefing.

Meanwhile, a Baghdad neighborhood was canvassed with paper leaflets warning people to stay off the main road to Baghdad International Airport.  Heavy fighting broke out near the airport between American soldiers and guerrillas closing the road temporarily.

Ignoring these reports, the American leader instead outlined the gradual process for returning the government of Iraq to the Iraqis.  The high-ranking American officer pointed out that ordinary Iraqis would be allowed to nominate people to serve on an electoral commission.  Although, he was quick to point out the final decision on membership would be left up to the United Nations, the Iraqi Governing Council, and L. Paul Bremer III, the chief American administrator in Iraq.

But because of so much widespread violence, only 13 of the country's 18 governorates would be able to nominate members for the commission. The official said the process would be pushed forward no matter what the security situation.

"We freed these people.  They're free now.  They deserve the right to be at least peripherally involved in the process of selecting representatives if not actually being allowed to vote for who they want governing them."

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QUOTE OF THE DAY -

"If it is reasonable to think that a Supreme Court justice can be bought so cheap, the nation is in deeper trouble than I had imagined."
    -- JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA, responding to pressure to recuse himself from a case involving his
    hunting buddy, Vice President Dick Cheney.
 

"BINGO!  Even a broken clock is right twice a day.  Come out of the tower and take a good look around."

-- Lenny "the Schneid" Woodson, webmaster and inveterate critic.

 

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